02/15/25 - Southern asses are colder than air.

A compilation of advice for teaching license students for how to respond to stupid questions:

“Me: Write this down in your book. Student: I’m out of space on my book, what do I do? Me: Write it down on your face, then tear your face skin off and stick it to your book.”

“Just saw this for how to respond to a student calling you ugly: “You’re right, I am ugly. The most beautiful person in the world is everyone’s mom. My mom is at home, but your mom is going to be in my office this afternoon.””

“Teaching students quietly copying down everything in this comment section.”

“Student: Do I need to copy this down? Me: Nah, just double-tap your temples to take a screenshot.”

“Student: I don’t have a notebook. Me: Go steal one.”

“A student mumbling while jotting down notes. Me: Man, my students are advanced, they can even turn text to speech.”

“Student: Miss, she’s touching my book! Me: Holy shit, have you called the cops yet?”

“Student: This question says that Mr. Lee took 23 students on an excursion. Do we need to count Mr. Lee when calculating bus tickets? Me: Nah, Mr. Lee can just run behind the bus.”

“I called on a student to answer a question, and another student went, “If he knows the answer, I’ll eat his shit.” Me: “Stop trying to get food out of other people.””

“Me: You got your homework? Student: No. Me: You got your brains? Student: Yes. Me: Cook it in some hotpot, at least it’ll make a good meal.”

“Student: [chews on fingernails] Me: Doing your nails in class again? Me: [Ask students a question and nobody answers] Me: What, did you all have mute medicine for lunch?”

“Teacher: Some people tear off the left side of their face and stick it to their right. On the one hand, they have no face and no shame, and on the other hand, their face is thick as castle walls.” [一边没脸没皮，一边脸皮比城墙都厚, the joke doesn’t really make much sense in English, but I assure you it is hilarious in Chinese.]

“I got recommended this video by my high school head teacher. That’s how I know her current class is lucky.”

“Student: [looks in mirror] Me: Already forgot what you look like?”

“Student: Are you done grading our papers yet? Me: I’m almost done writing my will.”

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“This incident really inspired me.

My gym got a new owner. The old owner sold it for lack of profits, and now a new guy is running it.

I asked him, “How could you not make any money? This place is packed every day!”

The coach went, “There’s lots of people, sure, but they’re all on annual memberships. I’ve worked in this industry for years, and I can tell you that the only thing that turns a profit here is private training lessons. Do you know how much an annual membership is here? It’s practically free!”

Their membership: 3300RMB for three years.

Private trainer: 250-350RMB per session.

The coach: “Those people buying annual memberships come shower here every day! Every day! They make up the cost of their membership with their showers alone.”

And before, this gym didn’t have a separate area for people with coaches. It’s all public. So it’s always super crowded, and the people who bought training sessions didn’t have a great experience so they stopped coming.

Coach: “All those entitled boomers who bought a membership complain to the owner every day and keep making suggestions. To keep them happy, the owner was constantly busy satisfying their demands—but the people getting private lessons never said anything at all.”

Me: “As someone who paid for private lessons, I wouldn’t have said anything either. If I’m unsatisfied, I wouldn’t make a complaint or make suggestions. I’d just stop paying for lessons.”

Coach: “So our boss got his target demographic wrong from the start. If you’re spending more money but getting the same service in the same space, when why would you spend more money?”

The new owner strictly separated the public area and the private training area, and customers who bought lessons before but stopped coming heard and started coming back. And the new owner is going to gradually increase the cost of memberships and coaches.

(My heart fell.)

After raising the prices, he can make a profit and serve the people who actually need it and chase off the people just looking to take advantage of the business and leave more space to people who are willing to spend money.

I always figured “traffic” was the most important element. You had to get a lot of customers. But now…

Alright, business really is complicated.”

Comments say, “My gym’s annual membership was 2000 RMB, but their rent plus utilities every month was close to 50K, and they went out of business April last year. Some people come twice a day and shower every time.”

“Oh my god, 3300RMB for three years! If he hadn’t ran, it’s so worth it! (Speaking of, can people who bought their membership before the new owner came in still use it?”

“I have a question. Why do people like going to a gym to shower?”

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A blogger shows a screenshot of a video which tests cost of living by seeing what groceries you can get off of one day’s salary for a Japanese janitor. In the video, the uploader (Hu Chenfeng) was able to purchase 520g chicken drumsticks (34RMB, all prices have been converted from yen to RMB for his audiences’ sake), 1 pound of pork belly (50RMB), 400g shrimp (50 RMB), 10 eggs (12RMB), two 1L milk cartons (22RMB), 6 bell peppers (15RMB), 6 onions (15RMB), 1 package of celery (10RMB), 2 bok choy (9RMB), 1/4 wedge of cabbage (10RMB), 6 apples (25RMB), 4 bananas (7.5RMB), 10 pounds of rice (148RMB).

And the blogger shows buying the same things on a Chinese grocery delivery app for a total of 136.34RMB.

Comments say, “According to the principle of “earn USD, spend USD”, a Japanese person making 250,000 yen is the same as an American making 250,000USD.”

“Saint Hu and his audience have no idea what groceries normally cost.”

“”Malicious comparison”, huh? I’ll go first, “Japanese food has safety standards, it’s so much better than China!””

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Another discussion of northern and southern differences:

“Southerners are so distant. I vacationed in the south and it was rainy and kinda chilly that day, so I said to a passerby, “It’s so cold today.” He looked at me all shocked and went, “Who are you? Why are you talking to me??””

“He’s a fake southerner. True southerners would look at you like you’re crazy and immediately hurry off.”

“Southerners be like, “Is he talking to me!? O_O”

“I would just look at you like this and not say anything: O_O”

“This is true. I’m from Dongbei, living in Hangzhou, and I don’t even want to talk to people anymore. I’m just pressing my warm face against their cold ass. Southern asses are colder than air.”

“I would pretend like I didn’t hear and text my friend, “Some stranger just talked to me, I’m so scared.””

“Can northerners really randomly, naturally talk to complete strangers for no reason at all?”

“In the north: stranger + enthusiastic = I gotta pull my heart out for him. In the south: stranger + enthusiastic = He’s gonna pull my heart out for him.”

“Southerners, if you don’t respond to me, I’ll just keep following behind you.”

“I get it if you’re a girl. I don’t get it for guys at all. I was eating lunch and the guy at the table next to me was having something that smelled goddamn delicious, so I asked him what he ordered, and he just picked up his food and ran away.”

“Northerners: I know, right? Southerners: He’s gonna kill me!”

“As a southerner, I can feel it in my bones that if I talk to a stranger, I’ll get abducted.”

“A southerner’s nightmare.” [Picture showing a van, which often operates as unofficial buses.]

“After the southerner gets home, “Mom, dad! Lemme tell you what just happened!” Mom and dad: “Thank God you didn’t say anything back or the trafficker would’ve abducted you!””

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“I felt my period coming on so I went into the nearest “convenience store”. That’s exactly what was written on their red and yellow sign. There’s a couple bottles of traditional Beijing yogurt on the stool near the door with a red paper with a price taped to them. The paper had started fading in colour.

I walked in, and there was a grandma wearing a black jacket with rainbow dots standing inside, taking up almost all of the space.

She saw me come in and slowly moved her monolithic body behind the narrow counter.

I looked around but didn’t see any pads, so I turned to ask her. As I spoke, as my voice left my mouth, I could see the red hat on her head rise in shock and life return to her. She extended her neck towards me and asked in a whisper, “Do you want a black plastic bag?”

Her voice was like a witch’s incantation from ancient times, soft like dust, floating in this cramped space.

I studied at a “Girl’s school”. There, pads are displayed plainly in vending machines in the school building, held openly in girls’ hands, hanging from girls’ bags clear as day.

Her ancient eyes peer towards me gently and I could feel the heat from her red hat.

Thank you, dear, but I don’t need it.”

The top comment is from OP: “I don’t know if you guys get it or not, but I feel like what she’s doing is a version of girls helping girls back in her time. Back when you got attacked for this sort of thing, in her mind, in her understanding of the world, she was protecting me with a black plastic bag. When I first heard these words, I thought they were antiquated, but when I think back on them, I feel touched.”

“Yeah, they all used to come in black plastic bags in convenience stores.”

“When I had my period in middle school, I remember being really careful taking my pads out of my bag. Sometimes, I’d even put some in my pockets beforehand, just in case any classmates saw and the boys would mock em for it. It’s only in the last couple of years when I’ve started working that I’ve seen people openly carry pads in their hands.”

“I just experienced this.” [Attached screenshot of text to friend, “The owner of the restaurant downstairs is a woman. I forgot to bring my pads and she told me that they have free ones in the bathroom.” And her friend’s reply, “Wow, that’s awesome.”]

“Last year, I suddenly had my period with no pads on me while vacationing in Xinjiang and had to buy it from a convenience store by the side of the road. There’s a pair of 60-something, 70-something married couple inside. The grandpa went to put them in the transparent plastic bag, and the grandma went, “Hey!” and patted him. And he went, “Oh.” And reached for the black plastic bags nearby. I told them, “Thanks, but I don’t need a bag.” And I just grabbed the pack and went out (because I plan to head straight to a bathroom and use them and then put them in my luggage, so I don’t need a bag). They were really shocked. As I left, I could hear the grandma going, “Young people are so brave these days! I don’t even know what those 30, 40-year-olds are shy about.””

“I told the supermarket auntie who gaave me a black plastic bag that I didn’t need it, and she smiled and looked at me and said, “You’re so nice”. I think she couldn’t find the right words to describe it, but she’s also happy that women are walking into a brighter and brighter future.”

“Upvoted!!! Every time I see these women get criticised for period-shaming, I get so upset. They meant well. Extra plastic bags cost money to stock too.”

“Right? People might be upset at me, but I also think that stores do this out of protectiveness. It’s just that some women are strong enough now that they don’t need it. There’s no need to criticise stores that use black plastic bags, because strong empathetic abilities is also a form of strength. Just be grateful.”

“It’s like black magic targeting women is slowly losing its power.”