11/07/24 - Fundamentally speaking, humans are just poop-flavoured dumplings.
“I was reading Song Meiling and Jiang Jieshi’s [more famously known as Chiang Kai Shek] body guard’s book lately, and some of the details really shocked me.
He said he’s never seen Song Meiling without makeup. None of her bodyguards have, because she doesn’t sleep at night, hardly ever. Jiang Jieshi takes out his false teeth and goes to sleep as soon as the sun goes down, everything else be damned, but that’s only the start of Song Meiling’s day. Which is to say, they didn’t actually sleep together at all?
The way this guy writes about Jiang Jieshi makes me ROFL too. He said that once, they were on a forced march and the troop passed by a bar. Jiang said he was tired and hungry and wanted to go in and eat something. And the waiter didn’t give a shit about Jiang, because he was really thin and short and not very intimidating. Jiang was furious, and the body guard brought the waiter over and went, “Do you know who this is? Do you know who this is!?” And when the waiter learned that this tiny monkey in front of him was Jiang, his hands shook the whole time he served them tea.
Like, it just gives me the sense that Jiang didn’t have any authority at all, but he had to work hard to engineer some amount of intimidation.
And this bodyguard said that his heart almost leapt out of his chest once when he ran into a ghost with her hair all down, and it turned out to be Song Meiling XD”
Comments say, “So staying up all night doesn’t really shorten your life? Mrs. Roosevelt said she was super petite, and Song Meiling still ended up outliving her.”
“Name of the book?”
“This bodyguard is going to make Jiang so mad that he jumps out of his coffin to shoot him.”
A video of Anhui “soft buns”, where a completely shapeless piece of dough gets shaped into a bun by the chef, and it doesn’t change shape at all. The skin is chewy like glutinous rice when it’s cooked, and the stuffing inside is made with meat. The meat buns are 2 RMB each, veggie buns are 1.5 RMB each.
Comments say, “Is it good? I like meaty buns, but it looks like it’s got way too much soy sauce or oyster sauce or whatever that is.”
“It’s super tasty! Especially if you deep fry it!”
“This is how I make all my dough. Add extra water and you don’t need to knead it.”
“Female uni student got instantly rejected.
They asked, “Why are you going to America?”
Me: “I wanna vacation in Los Angeles during winter break.”
Them: “What’s your degree of education?”
Me: “I’m majoring in History at the South China Teaching University.
Them: “Oh, so you’re a student right now?”
Me: “Yes.”
Them: “What other countries have you visited?”
Me: “Thailand and Japan.”
Them: “Do you have any family in America?”
Me: “No.”
And I got instantly rejected. After I said no, he got too awkward to say anything else XD All the people before me who had family all passed. They said a whole lot and he typed down a whole lot. The only people who got rejected that day was me and another guy, who apparently studied in America in some kind of engineering degree. So many people got their visa today. It’s making me even more sad.”
Comments say, “It’d be weirder if they didn’t reject you. Single and unemployed? You fit every criteria for rejection.”
“Sue him for discriminating against women.”
“If you’re a Humanities major and you got rejected, the consular officer probably just didn’t meet his rejection KPI today.”
Another compilation of Chinese security check stories:
“I bought a bottle of sprite and the security officer demanded I open it. So I did, and the sprite came spraying out and soaked both of us.”
“At Baiyun Airport, they told me to take off my shoes and put it through the machine separately. I got really shy and said that I was wearing yesterday’s socks today, I hadn’t changed it. And the security officer was like, “If you don’t cooperate, we’ll have to take you to the office.” And when I took off my shoes, that sweaty feet smell came exploding out and all three security guards around me leapt back…”
“I wore a pair of studded boots before. It was really cool. And the security guard stopped me and said I couldn’t wear shoes like that in because it was too dangerous. But I didn’t have any replacement shoes, so in the end, they took all the studs off my boots, and I walked away in a pair of long crocs…”
“I have really cold hands and feet. One time, I was travelling by air and going through airport security, and in the middle of summer, this really hot security officer accidentally brushed by my hand and literally shivered and blurted out, “What the fuck is that?” And he turned around and saw my hand and we both sent silent. When I went through, I heard him telling his coworker, “That girl’s hands are like steel.””
“The hospital wanted a pee sample from me, so I put it in a bottle and went to ride the subway, and at the security check, the officer demanded I open it up and drink some…”
“Wore a trench coat, with a spaghetti strap dress underneath. Since it was spring, I figured I didn’t have to shave. And then the security officer told me to take off my jacket, and I had to go through security in just my dress. They even had me hold out my hands, and my armpit hair was flapping in the wind…Xi’an Xianyang Airport, you’ve made me lose all my face T_T”
“I had a plastic baggie full of protein powder, and they made me mix up a cup right there and drink it. The security officer saw me get a really big scoop and thought I was being passive aggressive at them or something, and told me that it was just routine and I don’t have to get that much. And I was like, “If I don’t get the right portion size, I won’t grow muscles though.””
“Put on makeup, and the facial recognition at the checkpoint couldn’t recognise me. The officer found his boss, who took my ID and had me recite my ID number. After I was done, they held up the ID next to my face and started discussing which of my features matched…”
Question: “Are doctors and scientists also superstitious?”
Answer: “I used to work at a jointly-funded wind power plant, and one of our turbines have been checked multiple times, had every part inspected, and nothing was out of order but it refused to operate.
We got an expert to come in from Germany and he studied the thing for a whole day, pulling his hair out, and still had no idea what was wrong. We start losing money if this machine stays shut off for more than 48 hours.
And this is where the best part comes in. A Zhejiang University doctorate student in the technical department went to the nearby town and bought pork, roast chicken, candles, paper, and other offerings, and put them in a row under the wind turbine, and got the whole maintenance team to kneel down and prostrate themselves in front of the machine, and after kowtowing, they turned it back on again and it worked perfectly.
The German guy was completely dumbfounded. And that doctorate student became a legend.”
Comments say, “I’m not joking, in the artisan industries, especially maintenance technicians, when a master doesn’t actually want to take on any apprentices, this is what they do. They know exactly what’s wrong, but they won’t explain anything and just use a whole bunch of superstitions to fool you.”
“While plating the pork, the doctorate student secretly put in the startup chip.”
“All sufficiently advanced science is magic??”
“All of Jin Xing’s [transgender choreographer/dancer] shows in China have been cancelled.
A lot of people don’t understand why it’s such a big deal that she raised a flag. Is it due to netizens boycotting her? Not really. Of course we need to respect the LGBT community. It’s fine if you want to talk about it. But you can’t make it into an Event.
Raising a flag is a sensitive issue in and of itself. If you do that, you put the government in a very difficult position. It’s sort of like randomly asking passersby whether they support LGBT, and people can say that they do, because most people don’t think it’s a big deal and it won’t affect their lives. But if you demand these people open up their phones and make a supportive post to weibo or wechat, then there’s no good way to resolve this case.
Raising a rainbow flag isn’t wrong, strictly speaking, it was just inappropriate. If this was actually wrong, then it wouldn’t be so simple. The rainbow flag has been associated with a lot of sensitive issues in the last few years, a lot of stuff that can’t be talked about. I think just saying something like, “I support everyone’s right to be themselves” is plenty enough. You don’t have to be so radical. Her experience, in and of itself, is a kind of flag.
People go to Jin Xing’s performances to support her. If your audience is already there, supporting you, then don’t make things any harder for them and assign them extra work. You can enjoy the spotlight of being famous, but you shouldn’t use it to do anything else. Whatever people like you for, just focus on that. You make plenty of money anyways.”
Comments say, “This is a very moderate, objective take.”
“This is just a sensitive period. Back in 2016/2017, the People’s Daily News and all kinds of celebrities made posts supporting LGBT. You could raise any kind of flag you want at concerts back in the day.”
“China is a conservative society, and it’s going to stay this way for the foreseeable future.”
[Lately, a video went viral on the Chinese internet, where a family of 4 bought a case of 8 Swiss Rolls. The two kids and the dad ate 2 rolls each, and after the kids went to bed, the mom went to eat her two rolls and was criticised by the dad that she shouldn’t snack so late at night and she should save the remaining rolls for the kids.]
“The most insane part about this whole Swiss Roll thing is that government departments are investigating this mom!
Some news agency is even writing an article about how if the video was scripted, then an apology isn’t enough. She must be punished harshly. She must be fined. She has to be jailed, because she’s deliberately causing gender conflict, ruining the culture of society.
Like, I’m just confused???
Whether this case was real or not, do Swiss Roll-like conflicts not happen in every marriage? A lot of men do treat their wives like birthing machines and maids. Most women are robbed of their right to be treated equally in their family. People assume they come after their husband and son. This is a real phenomenon.
When a woman makes a video complaining about how her husband won’t let her eat Swiss rolls, and the government puts in all this effort into investigating her, I just find it baffling. There are still women who aren’t allowed to eat at the table in Shandong. Don’t you need to go look into that?
The Swiss Rolls just open up a view into a very common phenomena, and they’re in such a panic to deal with it. They can’t handle the problem, so they’ll handle the person who brought up the problem. They’re making a big deal about how this is creating conflict, affect the harmony of society. They must really be afraid of women thinking independently and having a sense of their rights, daring to say no to men and being unwilling to enter into marriages.
Like, they really like to blow up trivial little cases and hide away big cases. Why not look more into domestic violence and sexual assault against little girls?”
Comments say, “I’m just done. Do they even dare to look into hidden cameras in beds and breakfasts??”
“It’s clearly just a case of this affecting upper management’s face, so they have to sweep it under the rug. Not actually doing anything about anything that matters is just their standard operating procedures.”
“Can’t believe this is the aftermath. This goes beyond anything I could’ve imagined. Which department is it? Are we actually gonna have to pay a fine for not being married in the future? If that’s the case, is it too late for me to go change my gender?”
A compilation of…I have no idea how to describe this thread. A different take on the nature of humanity?
“I suddenly realised people are really great airtight containers. Every single person on the street is walking around with a load of poop, but you never smell any.”
“When you’re touching his abs, you’re only 2cm away from his shit.”
“Humans are fundamentally just water heaters. You drink in cold water and it becomes 37C when it leaves you.”
“So everyone is actually just a poop truck?”
“When you’re pooping, humans are just a type of human-shaped piping bag.”
“When you’re kissing someone, you’re basically sucking on a straw that’s stuck in poop on the other end.”
“For dogs, humans are ice cream machines.”
“Fundamentally speaking, humans are just poop-flavoured dumplings.”
“When you eat chicken wings, you’re actually eating chicken armpits.”
“Everyone is a poop gun, and eating is just reloading.”
“When you step on someone’s feet, their mouth drops open, just like a trash can.”
“Food is just poop in its infant form.”
“Humans are a natural insulated box [a cooler, but in Chinese, it’s a “heater” instead, used more to keep things warm rather than keep things cool]. The purpose of life is just to go to various places and dump hot shit.”
“The most primitive jokes really are toilet humour.”
“As soon as my boss opens his mouth, you’ll know what it’s like when humans spring a leak.”
“When you feel yourself putting someone on a pedestal, just imagine that his stomach is filled with shit, just like yours. Everyone is the same, right?”
“After reading this comment section, I don’t like humans anymore.”
“If there’s a skeleton inside me right now, then am I just a coffin?”
“The human body is disgusting. How did anyone talk themselves into reproducing until we reached the current day? It’s amazing.”
“No, we’re not that airtight, because sometimes, air leaks out.”
“I feel like farting is a very private, very flirtatious kind of thing. Something produced by your body (farts) gets ejected from your body (farting), and then immediately consumed by your body again (smelling it). It’s kind of intimate.”
What are you in prison for?
Murder. You?
I ate 2 Swiss Rolls.