09/28/24 - If I had a company, I would never hire Libras.
“How scary are women’s instincts?
A while back, just before my friend went to bed, her husband kissed her good night. It’s a long tradition they’ve had, but something about this good night kiss felt wrong. What was going on? She couldn’t quite put her finger on it.
Her husband fell asleep and she kept thinking it over and finally found the problem: no stubble prickle! Her husband shaves in the morning, and by evening time, a good five o’clock shadow has grown in. Normally, after dinner, they’ll watch TV on the couch and her husband will lean in to kiss her, and it’ll prickle her face. But why didn’t he have a stubble today?
She reached out and felt her husband’s chin, and it was smooth, like he’d just shaved in the evening. Why would he suddenly change when he shaved? She immediately seized upon this question.
She thought about their schedule that day. It was a Friday, so she went to gym with her best friend after work. Her husband said he’d eat out and go home on his own. When did he get home? She didn’t know. He was already there when she got home around 10PM. Was it possible that he got home, shaved, and then went out to meet somebody? Why would he shave? Did he anticipate kissing someone? And this couldn’t be the first time, because surely the other person had to bring up that his stubble was very prickly and made him shave first. The more my friend thought about it, the more certain she was that something was wrong. Her instincts were ringing alarm bells all over the place.
She secretly got her husband’s phone and looked through Wechat for something suspicious. There was a text he sent a coworker in the afternoon. She searched that phone number and found a girl’s Wechat account and dug through her friend’s circle. The last post was some pictures of Japanese food she’d have for dinner that night. She woke her husband up, who asked sleepily, “What’s wrong? Did you have a nightmare?” She threw the phone at her husband. “Who is this? Explain to me.” Her husband didn’t say anything, so she carried on, “You think I don’t know? You went on a date with this bitch, didn’t you? And you came back and shaved first? What were you trying to do?”
Her husband froze for a while and then said, “Sorry.” And she could feel her head spin. Then her husband said, “I got an extreme weather stipend from work today so I bought myself a new shaver.””
Comments say, “So this is a shaver ad? Well, where’s the link?”
“This husband is so cute.”
“Never seen a girl this honest in the whole entertainment industry. They said that you can’t wear makeup when appearing on CCTV, so she really went with zero makeup, covered in grease.”
Comments say, “Doesn’t look any different from when she does have makeup. She’s pretty.”
“She looks “girly” like Bai Baihe when she was young.”
“She’s manipulated her agent before. She’s not honest at all.”
“I used to be really impressed by newscasters. I thought they had photographic memory or something, until I saw these photos today. So, like, they really do it this way?”
Comments say, “If they weren’t already familiar with their script, they wouldn’t be able to follow along to such a tiny prompter. Especially not if they’re doing international news, with rare characters and hard to pronounce names and country names and whatever. They get fined 50-200 RMB every word they get wrong.”
“You try doing it with a prompter.”
“The older generation really knew what they were doing.”
A news item from Xinhua News for the newest winners of the “PRC Medal”. The actual ceremony is going to be held at 10AM, on the 29th of September, in Beijing’s People’s Hall. The categories are, “National Medal”, “Friendship Medal” (awarded to a Brazilian), “People’s Scientist”, “People’s Protector”, “People’s Artist”, “People’s Artisan”, “People’s Educator”, “People’s Healthcare Worker”, “Significant Contribution to Economic Research”, “Significant Contribution to Sports”.
A compilation of hiring superstitions:
“I had a friend who ran a company, and all the finance people are young, cute, round-faced girls. Especially the cashier. She said that finance people need to have good physiognomy, like a maneki-neko.”
“Lol, my boss was born in the Year of the Tiger, and he doesn’t hire any Monkey employees, because he says, “When the tiger is away from the jungle, monkeys are king.”” [An ancient saying mocking people who don’t have what it takes to actually be in charge but will still find every opportunity to act like they’re in charge as soon as the actual leadership looks away.]
“The front desk girl I hired is really dumb and lazy, but she has great physiognomy, got straight facial feature and teeth, fair-skinned and chubby and always smiling and super cute. She asks me every day, “Do you still think I’m cute, boss?” Because she doesn’t actually do anything at work, so she’s always worried about being fired.”
“Don’t blame HR. This is all the boss’s demands. When I worked in HR, the boss told me to check new hires’ zodiac and eliminate any Virgos, because they bring him bad luck.”
“One month, our company lost a lot of money, and they blamed it on me, because I didn’t water the money tree.”
“This is a thing in financial management, though. We had a cashier [the one who handles the company’s cash, not someone who checks customers’ purchases out] who was really chubby. She started losing weight, and for no reason at all, we started losing a lot of business. Our boss told her to stop dieting.”
“But having straight facial features is so important. If I had my own business and was hiring, I’d only hire square and round faces. I’ve worked with two people with slanted eyes before, and both of them were assholes. And people with pointy faces love to tattle.”
“Not only are my teeth straight, but they’re kind of yellow. It means no money comes out and gold goes in XD”
“It’s true. I was born in the Year of the Tiger, and when I tried to start my own business a few years back, my partner at the time was a Snake, and nothing we did worked. And everything turned around as soon as I partnered up with aRabbit instead. I want to find more Pig workers to join me.”
“The older generation is always saying that you gotta check the teeth of the livestock before you buy them XD”
“Are zodiacs going to be a real criteria for hiring in the future? Oxen and Horses get first picks?” [When people jokingly refer to themselves as “livestock” to complain about their work, the word used is 牛马, which is composed of the characters for “oxen” and “horse”.]
“If I had a company, I would never hire Libras.”
“The accountant at my company is also a chubby round face. They say that fat people hold down wealth.”
“Because my zodiac matches my boss’s, I had a great time every day. I have my own office, I sleep at work, and nobody cares if I’m late or if I leave early.”
“They asked my zodiac before I came to work too, and I was a water zodiac and our boss was wind. HR specifically looked it up and said I would bring good fortune, so they gave me a 1K raise on top of the base salary and insisted I had to come work there.”
“I thought they’d be picky about diploma, or school, or major, or even looks…I never imagined that people would get picky over teeth.”
“It’s normal. When I interviewed, they said my phone number ended in “8”, and seven goes up and eight goes down, so it was unlucky, and they refused me.”
“I worked as a waitress for a while, and my employee ID was 567. A customer around New Years saw and went, “5, 6, 7? All in a row? You gotta get a red pocket for that!” And he gave me one. He didn’t give one to any of my coworkers.”
“I heard before that there was a woman who didn’t have any skills except being pretty and clean. The boss sold jewellery, and he just had her stand there, wearing jewellery as a model. If there’s a customer, she’ll show off jewellery, and if there’s no customers, she just plays on her phone. And she gets paid tens of thousands every month for this. But what’s weird is that whatever she’s showing off always sells really well. People are always buying whatever she is wearing.”
“Lol, your boss is from Guangdong or Fujian, right? Before, the boss said the newest cashier is too thin. A pointy face means you can’t hold down wealth, so he told HR to hire someone different. I really didn’t know whether to laugh or cry XD”
“When I interviewed for front desk work, everything was going really well. I almost thought I would have a job. But then they asked what sodiac I was, and I didn’t get the job after all, because I’d bring bad luck to the boss.”
“My former company only hired fat ladies to be cashiers. Said they were lucky. When she quit, they specifically begged for her to come back. Every day, she goes downstairs to get a bowl of spicy noodles and brings it up for a second lunch, and the boss never says anything about it.”
“The giant money tree in our company’s finance office died. At the time, the company wasn’t making a lot of profit, so the boss came over and said it was because we didn’t take proper care of the tree that he wasn’t making any money.”
“A lot of southern bosses are like this. Our boss too. Won’t hire people born in 2002 and 2003 because of the zodiac. He cares about the colour of people’s clothes too, and where cubicles are laid out, and what date we have meetings on, and even what kind of fish and flowers are placed around the office and which way the doors open.”
“I gotta add here that our boss is a rebel. He lost his bottom teeth and he was planning to have them filled in because it looked ugly, but someone mentioned offhand to him that missing teeth means missing money. So he called off the appointment because he had to prove that he wouldn’t lose any money even if he was missing teeth.”
“Me too. My company doesn’t hire Tauruses because they bring me back luck.”
“I’ve had a boss that required all employees have a rank in Kings of Honour above Star, and I was only a Bronze back then XD”
“I work in HR, and when we hire front desk, we don’t take any girls from south of the Yangtze River. Supposedly, it’s because northern girls are easier to joke around with.”
“So if accountants have false teeth, does that also mean they have false books?”
“When I went to Shanghai before, I was a Sheep, the boss was a Horse, and the two coworkers were a Pig and a Rabbit respectively. The boss offered me 7500+ a month and was willing to negotiate for more. I thought everything sounded great, but it was just too far away from home so I turned him down.”
“I used to work in a car dealership, and one of the customer service people was called Xiao Liang [sounds like “sales], and one of the sales people was called Xia Hua [sounds like “decreases”]. Then Xiao Liang quit, so all we have left is Xia Hua T_T”
“When my roommate went to her job interview, they read her palm lol.”
“Every company I’ve worked at, I’ve met the boss at the interview, and every single one of them said I bring fortune based on my physiognomy. But I’ve already bankrupted two companies so far.”
“I saw a movie yesterday that said slave owners used to check slaves’ teeth before purchase too, dunno if it’s true or not.”
“Hahahahaha, this is the type of boss in novels that has a complete break down because his business rival killed his money tree with hot water, isn’t it?”
“We have a finance manager in my company called Zhi Peiqian [sounds like “only loses money”]. Everyone was really shocked when they learned his name—you can work in finance with a name like that?”