08/04/23 - Bai Qi stayed up three days and three nights trying to figure out just where Alexander the Great was hiding the rest of his army.
A blogger reposts someone’s Chinese Instagram post, which reads, “My neighbour’s daughter married to Korea, and when she returned, she bragged to us that even a normal family in Korea has ten dishes for every meal. They fill up the whole table. Only confident people can be confidently absorbed in their own world no matter where they are, and fulfil their will.”
And a second post, reading, “Traditional Korean Breakfast. My MIL made it, not me. It’s breakfast.”
The blogger mocks, “Wow, I’m so jealous. Koreans have it so good. [Doge]”
Comments say, “This is my lunch. Yeah, there’s a lot less pickles in it than Korean “food”.”
“That’s not even as much food as in the condiments area of a random hotpot restaurant in China. At least the condiments area offers free watermelon. [Doge]”
“I mean, sure, technically, it’s ten dishes. I guess. XDDD”
“Interviewed a remarried friend of mine in real life. Her first marriage was with a chubby trust fund brat. Met him at a quiet bar. He was completely unambitious after marriage, and also fat, plus a lot of people around her were urging her along, so she got a divorce. Left her daughter with her in-laws. They take okay care of the child. But at the time, she could barely take care of herself, much less a daughter.
Her second marriage is with her current husband. She’s had a child with him too. Her husband works until 8pm every day, but will come home around 7pm to eat dinner. Her husband’s ex-wife was his college classmate. They had a really strong relationship, but it was long-distance. They were about 2 hours drive away from each other. It’s not too far. But it’s not really close enough either. His ex-wife worked in upper management, so she was never willing to have children. They had fun travelling together for a while.
But then he got older and wanted kids, and didn’t want to put up with his ex-wife’s child free attitude anymore. So his ex-wife brought up divorce. It was pretty amicable. Her husband will still eat dinner with his ex-wife about once a year. His ex-wife’s career is going well too. She’s got a much younger boyfriend now. They’re both successful people.
Her husband says he understands. Men can never really get away from the traditional bonds of marriage and children, especially poor men who became successful via their education. But women can get free of their bonds. Like his ex-wife also came out of a small rural town, and all she wants is to live her life freely. She doesn’t want to be tied down by childcare and house work.
I can’t reveal other details. But I did ask about her current husband’s single period. I can tell you, as soon as he got divorced, girls were lining up to date him. He could’ve easily married a girl who hadn’t even went through a divorce. But a lot of younger girls were being too haughty and demanding too much, so they missed out. My friend had been married before, but she understood what men really want, so she bagged him in the end. (That’s not a reference to sex. It’s not nearly anything as shallow as that.)
But it’s true what they say—if you want to do well in a second marriage, you need to be pretty. Really, really pretty. She’s gotten plastic surgery to make her lips fuller and her face smaller. Her fashion sense is exactly what girls in their 20s wear. She doesn’t look like a 1980s auntie at all.”
Comments say, “1980s auntie? You sound so misogynistic.”
“So what do men really want?”
“What do you mean haughty?”
A compilation of funny internet jokes:
“I’ve found a way to get rich quick.”
“Notice! Pooping is banned in the corridors! Violators will be fined 100 RMB. Anyone who reports poops will be rewarded 500 RMB! Paid out immediately!”
“Hey, hello? I just pooped in the corridor.”
“Urgent! Waiting online! How do I respond to my director?”
“Buddy. You owe me four RMB.”
“Oh no.”
“Guess why.”
“Why four bucks? Did you need to print it out?”
“Because that’s the price of a sleeping pill. I need to take one to go to sleep now that I’ve read your thesis.”
Comments suggests, “Professor, have you considered anaesthesia?” [全麻—full anaesthesia—and 拳麻—internet slang for hilariously bad kungfu—are pronounced the same. I don’t really get the joke here myself.]
“My father-in-law says he likes high-proof alcohol, so I bought a bottle for him. Wonder if he’ll like it?”
“Is that a molotov cocktail?”
“Let me put it to you this way, even industrial alcohol is only 95%.”
“If Alexander the Great hadn’t gotten lost and invaded China, would China at the time be able to deal with the Macedonian Formation?”
“Bai Qi stayed up three days and three nights trying to figure out just where Alexander the Great was hiding the rest of his army.”
“If you are in command of a million-strong army, and the Crown Prince began a coup, and the Emperor demanded you march into the capital to protect him, but the Crown Prince is also writing you letters urging you to join his coup, what would you do?”
“What is this, my Lieutenant Commanders? Why are you putting a golden robe on me?”
“What Emperor? What Crown Prince? They’re all criminals from the former dynasty. Their whole families should be put to death.”
“How dare the Crown Prince suggest such a crime. Legally, his whole family should be put to death.”
“The Crown Prince has committed treason and patricide, and We have already ordered his execution.”
“Why do people on Bilibili [Chinese youtube] think that a Level 5 account is the highest, most premium account?”
“Probably because of this senpai.” [Attaches screenshot where a level five account user @‘d the founder of Bilibili and said, “Come over and kneel down before your daddy.”]
“Vaginal delivery explained in one image. Women were never supposed to be superhuman.”
Comments say, “I’ve seen someone say that the reason older people urge you to have kids and say it’s easy is because they’ve never had a difficult delivery. Because all the people who had difficult deliveries aren’t around today to urge you to have kids.”
“Thank God I never let my wife have any kids. It looks so painful.”
“Some men would just be happy that they’re not the ones who have to go through it.”
“Oh no. I never knew golden retrievers were stinky. Every time I open my bedroom door in the morning, it stinks so bad I want to die. Is there a way to get rid of the stink? Please, help me!!!”
Comments say, “Nope, he’s gonna stink until he’s grown up. Every time I bathe mine, it’s like boiling chicken shit in water.”
“Golden retrievers are just stinky. But I can’t stop sniffing him like some sort of fucked up addiction.”
“Especially the smell of their feet! It’s insane! And her chew toy! One time, the stink got so bad it woke me up from a dead sleep.”
“Yeah, if you have a sharp sense of smell or a sensitive gag reflex, I would never recommend golden retrievers. When I went to my friend’s house, it smelled so bad, I immediately started gagging. And then I petted the golden retriever while gagging the whole time.”
“You’re already complaining now? It’ll only get worse when it’s grown up. My golden retriever barely smelled the first five months—even had a bit of a milk fragrance. The older he got, the smellier he got. My whole house stinks. Nothing you can do about it. Male dogs stink.”
“Yeah, it gets even worse if you bathe him. Your whole house is gonna smell like dog, but he’s going to smell like shampoo. Their pee stinks super bad too. And so does their poop.”
“A man said he never smokes, never drinks, cooks dinner, never goes out to clubs. He worked hard his whole life to buy a car and buy a house and earn a decent wage and has given everything he has to his family. His own sister said that he gives his wife incomparable emotional support. But his wife says in front of all his friends that he’s not good enough to make it at top of the industry companies. It made him feel super embarrassed. He felt insulted and his pride was hurt. He couldn’t stand his wife anymore. She can never be satisfied. It was all because his wife was a single child that she’s picked up all these bad habits.
Basically, the whole post, he wanted to make four points:
He’s done a good job.
Everyone, like his sister for example, said he did a good job.
Everything is his wife’s fault.
Everyone come pity him, he has it so hard, he’s shouldering it all.”
Comments say, “[Vomit emoji]”
“If he has rural parents and an older sister, run as far as you can.”
“Oh my god, why did such an angel even come down to the mortal realm. No mere human deserves to be together with him!”
Lately in Jiangsu, a girl rented a house and paid 100 RMB towards her electricity the same day. After settling in and turning on the air-conditioning for less than two hours, she got a notification that she needed to pay more towards her electricity, because her monthly allotment had already been used up. She asked the landlord while the AC consumes so much electricity, and he claimed that the metre was broken and he’s going to fix it. This rental was created by separating a room out of a larger unit, so the girl was already thinking about not living here for long out of safety concerns. So she expressed that she’d like to back out of the rental agreement and get back her deposit, and the landlord refused this idea. The landlord explains that it’s pretty common for the electricity metre to get broken. It’s happened before, and he’s gotten a new metre installed and put in another 100 RMB towards electricity for his renter himself. The reason he won’t return the deposit is because their contract isn’t up yet.”
Comments say, “An AC with an energy efficiency of 5? Even if it got fixed, it would still take 2kW of electricity to run it for an hour.”
“There are a lot of subleasers in Suzhou, with illegally separated out rental units inside larger apartment units. It’s time someone regulated this market. I’ve been screwed too when I first came to Suzhou.”
“Just report your subleaser for illegally renovating his house. Make him suffer too.”
“Just bought a 57 square metre three bedroom house, for my family of three. While remodelling it, I was really torn on whether we should set aside a guest bedroom. But then, with houses being so expensive, why save a room for guests who never come anyways? It’s a very small house, so I wanted the common areas to be a little bigger.
So I sacrificed one of the bedrooms near the living room. After tearing down the wall, I could connect my living room to my dining room in an open floor plan. Since the window seat couldn’t be demolished, I turned it into storage cabinets, and put tatami on top, plus a glass door. When there aren’t any guests, we can open up the glass door, and the living room looks even bigger and brighter. If there are guests, we can close the curtains and turn it into a temporary guest bedroom.”
Comments say, “57 square metres? Three bedrooms? Is such a thing even possible!?”
“One room for the two of you. One room for your kid. One room for your parents. Do your parents not live with you, or are you not going to have any kids?”
“I want my mom’s house to always have a room set aside for me, so I’m doing my best to make sure there’s always a room in my house set aside for her.”
has is -> has it
Honestly, telling all your spouse's friends "they're not good enough to make it at top of the industry companies" seems pretty rude, even if it's true.