A paediatrician reposts one of his posts from 2014, in response to the latest trending hashtag of #23-day-old infant dies from intestinal malrotation after getting massage. He wrote, “Just had a case of newborn intestinal malrotation. Opened his stomach up to see a mess of black intestines. I was already feeling bad enough from the powerlessness of the whole situation. When I went to explain what had happened to the family, they kept asking if it was because of the vaccines. After I explained countless times that that’s impossible, they went on to ask if it was because of the shots.”
Comments say, “Every time shit goes wrong, people blame the vaccines. Every time shit goes right, people praise traditional medicine.”
In an askreddit thread of, “What have you finally understood lately?” The top reply is, “It’s really hard not to lower your standard of living after marriage. I always felt that if I can find a man who’s super wealthy and loves me, I can solve most of the problems in my life. So long as he had money and loved me, and I loved him, and I married him and had kids with him, then I can satisfy the high quality of life I want. I can get all the bags and clothes and vacations that I want.
I’m not into luxuries, really. I don’t spend money for the sake of spending money. I just want to live a stress free life and go out three times a week without ever thinking about how much money’s left in my bank account.
I thought that I can achieve this lifestyle through a rich man who loved me.
I married recently and found that I can’t.
I think the closest I got to my ideal life was when I made 30K a month. I could buy a thousand RMB dress and not think twice. I ordered out three times a week. I never had to hold my desires in check. And at the end of the month, I’d look at my statements, and find that I’d only spent 5-6K. I was very satisfied.
Then I married. I’d followed my husband to his city for three years. I haven’t found a job yet. He’s wealthy. He made three times what I made at my peak. With exchange rates the way they are lately, he made almost six times what I did. And he loves me very much. Even if he worked every day and I don’t have any work, he did all the housework. He cooked, washed dishes, didn’t smoke, didn’t drink, didn’t sleep with prostitutes, didn’t gamble. He’s super patient with my parents and very loyal and responsible to his family.
But in order to buy a house and save money for future children, he lives a super stingy lifestyle, and my quality of life has plummeted.
I can’t blame him, because he’s giving me quite a lot compared to what he’s giving himself. I spend 1200 RMB of his money every month, he only spends 600 RMB a month on himself (fun money, not counting mortgage, utilities, phone bills, etc).
All of his money is reserved for paying back our mortgage and car payments, our bills, and buying stocks and making investments. My name is on his house, and he bought pretty expensive insurance for the both of us.
Every time I mention this, he asks whether I think the down payment he made for me is less valuable than other men buying their girls brand name bags and clothes.
I don’t know how to answer him.
I thought long and hard about this, and can’t really say that he’s wrong. He’s not blowing money on whatever he wants, he turned all of the money he made into assets. Our mutual assets. And he still gave me twice as much as he gave himself.
But I went from having 6K of spending money every month to just 1200. This 1200 RMB is pretty much all just spent on groceries. My life is a living hell.
I’ve thought and thought, and I don’t know what went wrong.
Maybe the only solution is finding a job.
But I’m pregnant. I have horrible morning sickness. I can’t keep any food down. So I don’t think I can work. Just thinking about having to spend at least a year living on 1200 a month makes my vision go black.
I’ve went so, so long without buying new clothes or eating out. My VIP card at Haidilao (hotpot chain) has downgraded. I haven’t eaten coconut chicken in so long.
I feel cheated.
And I have no one to talk to.
I can only hope that after I’m done giving birth, I can find a job quickly. But can I? If I can’t, then our mortgage is for 30 years. Does that mean for the next 30 years, I have to live on 1200 a month? I’ve given up all my skincare products. What else can I cut out of my life?
The underwear I bought from pinduoduo (Chinese costco) stained my pure white silk bedsheets. Just looking at the stuff I bought before I got married makes me sad.
We’ve had so many fights because of our views on money. I’ve questioned him, before we got married, when we were dating, we used to go out all the time. We used to get hotpot, we used to see movies. You never complained about expenses like these. Why wouldn’t you do the same thing now?
He said it was because he didn’t have a house then. He had plenty of money.
I asked, “So what, now you’re so poor that you can’t afford a single meal of Haidilao for me?” I really, really loved Haidilao. Even if to eat well for two people, you’re looking at 300 RMB minimum.
He said, “We can buy ingredients and make hotpot at home. It’s cheaper and healthier. How is it any worse than Haidilao?”
I don’t know what to say. It tastes completely different though.
I’ve seen a question before, about whether men prefer to buy bags or gold. I asked him. He said neither, because gold doesn’t appreciate as fast as stocks do. And bags don’t appreciate at all.
I found out lately that before he met me, he lived in a major state capital for three years, and ate at the company cafeteria for three years and never once ate out. Even though he could’ve gotten a nice one-bedroom apartment right next to where he works for 3K a month, he still rented with a couple of roommates in the slums for 500 a month. His company reimburses taxi rides, but because he lived too far away, he felt shy about making the company pay for it, so when he missed the last subway home, he rode a rented bicycle home for two hours. He made 30K a month while he was doing this. I only found out after we got married. I felt like he was deliberately hiding it from me before we got married. Honestly, if I’d found out earlier, I really would have rethought the marriage.
Even now, when his pants start fraying because they’re too old, and I go to throw it away, he’ll stop me. He’ll say that even if he can’t wear it out anymore, he can wear it at home.
We only buy groceries that are on sale. I can’t buy my beloved Manchurian wild rice anymore. Or termite mushrooms. Or penny bun fried rice. Or mantis shrimp. Or crabs. I’ve only eaten cherries twice since I got married. All of this is stuff I grew up eating, because my parents never skimped out where food was concerned. They might not necessarily buy me new clothes, but they always bought me whatever I wanted to eat. The very first time I picked out shrimp at the supermarket and he put it back, I was shocked.
His diet is super high in carbs. Because he was in charge of cooking, it made me get fat too. I got mad and demanded that he cook me fish. I took him to the supermarket and got live fish. But the next time he went by himself, he brought back four dead fish from god knows where, and froze it all in the freezer. God, thawed fish is so…fishy when it’s cooked again, whether in soup form or steamed. In the end, I didn’t eat a bite of it. He ate it all. He said that all fish are the same.
I know I’ve written a lot about food, but never getting to eat what you want is super depressing.
He likes to jog. That really wears on your shoes very hard. The sponge in the heel part of his shoes have completely fallen out, and he won’t throw those shoes away.
But because of insane behaviour like this, he was able to save his first million RMB very quickly after graduation. That’s how he managed to get a house without any support from his family. He’s from a rural village—they couldn’t help anyways.
I feel very conflicted. He has almost no desires. He’s not into computers or headphones or tech. He’s not into shoes or fashion. His very first airpods were a gift from me. He used them for three years.
When I met him, he was making 30K a month, and still using an old, laggy, low-end Xiaomi phone. The most amount of happiness he gets is eating the ramen right outside our uni. He thinks it’s better than Michelin star restaurants.
He never games. He likes his job. He spends his free time reading the latest research in his field of work. He’s into science. That’s why he makes so much money.
Even now, he puts a thermos of warm water by my bedside table every night, in case I wake up in the middle of the night thirsty. Surely, he loves me right? This is just his personality.
But I’ve talked to him about childrearing. I asked him, “Once we have children, we can’t hole up at home with no social interaction. We’ve have to go out, right?”
Without thinking, he replied, “Of course. We need to take them on lots of trips to see the world. That way, they’ll have a bigger world view. We need to take them around, talk to lots of different people, so they learn how to socialise. And we need to see all kinds of movies, eat at all kinds of restaurants, so they can grow up confident.
I was like, “?”
He said, “I want our children to be lively like you. I don’t want them to be like me. So we should try to recreate your childhood.”
Oh, so he fucking knows that liveliness, extroversion, optimism are all traits that have to be fostered with money? What, he thinks that I’m grown now, so I don’t need any more investment?
I want to go out too! I want to watch movies!
But he thinks that every cent has to be spent on something meaningful. What you’re enjoying has to bring some kind of objective profit. I’ve figured out a way to justify some forms of spending for him, but every time that I think about how I have to find some kind of objective reason to get what makes me happy, that makes me unhappy. For him, money spent on just making me happy is wasted money.
Money has to buy investment. It can’t buy happiness.
And he wants to save up more money to pay off our mortgage early. I’ve discussed with him before about how it doesn’t actually make financial sense to pay off your mortgage early. Our interest rates aren’t that high. But he said, “I just don’t like to be in debt.”
I tried asking, “So what are you gonna do after you’re done paying off the house?”
Without thinking, he said, “Other than what we have to spend on the kids and basic bills, I plan to save a little more money so I can maybe start a business one day. Money should be spent on useful things.”
That made my vision go black too.
Forgive all my rambling. I’m basically just venting here. I’ve been pent up for a long time, and I feel very conflicted. He has a lot of good traits, really. And he gives me a great sense of security. He’s very sweet to me all the time.
But this standard of living makes me miserable. Growing up, I’ve never lived so poorly my entire life. My entire way of life has been turned completely around these last six months.
I could demand money from him. But I’ve never had to beg for money once I was an adult. I was competent at my job. I’m a successful career woman. I don’t want to beg for money.
And if he’s only giving me money reluctantly, I would still be unhappy. I want the both of us to happily spend our money, happily save our money. But changing someone is so hard.
Right now, my only hope is to get this baby out of me. Even if I have to work as a dishwasher, even if I have to work as a dock loader, so long as I can make enough to eat my fill at Haidilao, I will be happy.
Edit: I saw in the comments someone said, “He’s not your dad”, and some of my dead memories attacked me. He said this to me too. One day, I really wanted some ice cream, and begged him to buy some with me. The same brand of ice cream is slightly more expensive at the supermarket near us, and is cheaper at a supermarket 20 minutes drive away from us. So every week, we’d go to the far away supermarket to shop.
After a ton of begging from me and a lot of reluctant complaining from him, he finally got the ice cream I wanted and we went to stand in line for the cashier. There was a little boy there, with the same brand of ice cream and a candy, begging his dad. His dad said that he could only choose one, so the little boy very reluctantly put down the candy.
I thought it was funny and pointed it out to him, and he said, “Well, yeah, anyone would choose the ice cream. Ice cream is delicious.”
And I don’t know what went wrong with my brain, but I said, “Look how good I am. I know I’m being unreasonable, so I only asked for one thing. I’m such a good girl.”
Honestly, at the time, I’d just remembered my mom. When I wanted a toy as a kid, my mom made this rule for me. So every time we went to the store, I’d debate back and forth and choose my favourite toy. And my mom never went back on her word and bought me whatever I chose, even if it was expensive.
And he said, “It’s not like I’m your dad.”
And for the rest of that day, I was in a bad mood.
I’ve been into reading webnovels lately. I’d read a little bit before bed. I can buy 100 reading points for 1 RMB, and that’ll last me two days of reading. Then, I’d buy 100 more reading points. It’s only one buck. I never thought that much of it. Until one day, he asked me, “What is this one dollar you keep spending every night at 11pm?” I told him that it was for reading web novels. He nodded and walked away, and I felt bad.
I downloaded a photoshop software which is free for the first month, but you have to register your card for a subscription. I did it, thinking I’d just cancel before the first month was up, that way I get to enjoy 30 days for free. But I forgot to cancel. Ended up paying 3 months of subscription. It added up to maybe 15 RMB? He yelled at me for half an hour over this.”
Comments say, “If he’s rich but he doesn’t actually spend money on you, then he doesn’t count as rich.”
There are so many tourists going to Dunhuang for golden week that they’re having a problem with camel traffic jams, because it’s such a popular event for tourists to do. In order to solve this problem, Dunhuang government has put in traffic lights for camels. You go when the light is green, and stop when the light is red.
A blogger in Finland writes, “Your will is constantly influencing your children. A long time ago, my kids went to visit their daycare classmate’s house for the first time. It was a Chinese family. The very first thing they did upon entering the door was to go wash their hands in the bathroom, right? As soon as they walk into the bathroom…
My Eldest: Wow, your bathroom—
Classmate’s Mom: Our bathroom is super small, right? It’s not nearly as big as the one at your house?
Me: Don’t lead kids like that. Let her finish talking.
My Eldest: Your bathroom has heated floors!
The classmate’s mom smiled and didn’t say anything.
As we hung out, more little incidents occurred. Like, when the kids got in her car, as soon as they opened the door, she said, “My car isn’t nearly as nice as yours, right? It’s tiny, right?” When the kids are eating at her house, she’s like, “This isn’t as tasty as what your dad makes, right? I’m not nearly as good of a cook as your dad.” If the kids look at her at all, she’s like, “I’m not as pretty as your mom, right?”
She’s constantly projecting her thoughts onto the kids. That probably wasn’t what the kids were thinking at all, but after this constant projection, wouldn’t that affect the kids?
Yesterday, my kids visited a Finnish person’s home for the first time. They lived in a stand alone house. After I saw, I was really looking forward to when she got home, what she would say to me. Without any outside leading or projecting, what do children pay attention to? I was super curious.
Around 7pm, daddy went and picked the kids up, and I asked her, “How was your classmate’s house?”
“It was super nice! But she didn’t have anti-slip pads for her carpet…”
“Wow! So the carpet slipped around everywhere?”
“Yeah, it kept sliding under the couch.”
“What’s your favourite part of her house?”
“The kitchen! There was lots of tasty food!”
I laughed.
My kid went on to say, “Her dad has a really big trophy!”
“How do you know?”
“There was a photo on the wall of her dad holding a trophy.”
“Oh? What did it look like?”
“It showed his back, he was holding onto a big trophy in front of the ocean.”
“If it’s his back, how do you know it’s him?”
“The back of his head looked the same.”
I honestly think it might’ve been a movie poster of some kind based on her description, but I don’t know which movie. My kid went on to describe, “She’s got two sisters. One’s called blahblahblah, one’s called whatever…”
See, this is children. She’ll notice if your carpet doesn’t have anti slip pads. She’ll notice the pictures on the walls. She cares about what there is to eat.
What adults pay attention to—the size of the house, the fanciness of the car…that’s not the sort of thing kids care about. Stop leading your children. Learn to look at the world through their eyes.”
Ping Pong player Ishigawa Kasumi has announced her retirement today after the Macau Championships, saying that she’s very satisfied with her career and very happy with her decision to retire. She thanked the sponsors that have supported her through the years, all the other Ping Pong players who are both her rivals and her friends, and all of her fans. She’s trained with a Chinese coach her entire career, and learned Chinese culture and Chinese language through this, and feels very blessed to have so many Chinese fans. She’ll talk in more detail in the press conference she is going to hold on the 18th of May.
Comments say, “It was my pleasure to be your fan too. Your hardwork and persistence felt like a response to my love of you. Because I had something to look forward to, I had hope for the future, I enjoyed every journey I took to watch you play. Thank you for all the years we had. Every story has an ending. I hope the next phase of your journey is even more happy and rewarding. Remember, no matter how far we are apart, we’re always supporting you.”
A tiktok video has gone viral in the west (apparently?), and China is discussing it.
Comments say, “Well, yeah, it should go viral. That’s fucking amazing.”
“He should be named as some kind of God of Tortillas.”
“How do you make a tortilla fly like a boomerang?”
Under the hashtag #Japanese Life, a blogger writes, “I know some Korean and Japanese people. They all have tiny appetites. They eat just a tiny bowl of rice for lunch, with a single slice of meat and a couple of strands of soy bean sprout, and that’s it. I vacationed in Japan for a week and lost 4 pounds without trying to diet at all. I think it’s because all their food is low-fat, low-sugar, low-salt. Aside from tempura, there aren’t any greasy foods at all.
Koreans don’t actually like kimchi that much. The reason they eat it for practically every meal is just because meat is insanely expensive. Whenever these people come over to China, they eat a shitton. Honestly, their country is just too small, their food is scarce, and if you eat too much as a normal person, you might go bankrupt.
The reason Koreans and Japanese people have a small appetite is just because food is too expensive. As soon as they come to China, they have a normal appetite again.
I’ve went with a Korean merchant to eat in China, and asked him if he wanted to eat authentic Korean barbecue. He didn’t want to go, so we ended up eating beef hotpot. A plate of beef is roughly 150 grams. I remember he ate 12 plates by himself. Add in various veggies and other dishes, he must have eaten several pounds by himself. His stomach was distended as hell. Spent 800 RMB.
When I went over to Korea to buy supplies, he took me out to eat too.
We ate a meal where the table was covered with dishes, at least a dozen different types of kimchi. Chicken broiled with ginseng, grilled largehead hairtail, a couple of pieces of beef, a couple of pieces of grilled pork belly, a couple of pieces of fried rice cake. The portion sizes were tiny. When we were done eating, we were still hungry. We had to make instant noodles when we got back to the hotel to fill up.
But that meal cost 2000 RMB.
Can you believe this is what they feed a grown ass man?
Here is a picture showing the difference between my appetite and my Japanese coworker’s.
Comments say, “If it wasn’t for the fact that I lived in Korea for seven years, I would’ve believed you.”
[Let’s do a Chinese FAQ again, since people seemed to enjoy it last time! Ask me anything you’ve always wondered about Chinese, any pieces of context you think you’re missing, anything at all you’re curious about! I’ll answer them to the best of my ability! Feel free to remind me any topics I said I might write about one day but might have forgotten!]
Whenever I watch videos from China public spaces (streets, buildings, restaurants) look either fancy and modern or really ugly, drab and without a thought for aesthetics with no in-between. Other countries with a similar standard of living like Turkey and much of Eastern Europe have much better looking ordinary places. China looks like there's cracked concrete pavement everywhere.
Is my impression wrong? I never set foot in China.
As someone in small city Japan and grew up in 2nd generation Chinese immigrant in the West, I think that Japanese consumption is far larger than the commentary suggests. Also, Western meals are usually said to be extra big, but Japan has cheaper food per whole.
https://hiddenjapan.substack.com/