A compilation of poetic things kids say:
“We drove into a tunnel, and my son said, “The mountain swallowed us up!” And as we got out, he said, “The mountain spit us out!””
“I hear from my mom that when I saw a bee for the first time as a kiddo, I was shocked. I yelled in the yard, “Come and look, mom! There’s a fly wearing a yellow sweater out here!””
“My daughter was playing on the trampoline, and she said to my mom, “Grandma, I’m gonna jump all the way to heaven and bring your mommy back to you.””
“Took my three-year-old nephew to go watch fireworks, and he said, “Aunty, look! The sky broke the fireworks into pieces!””
“Went to a watch store, and my baby went, “Wow! It’s a time market!””
“A kiddo in my daycare will tell me, “Miss, my life hurts.” when he’s exhausted.”
“When my brother got a stuffy nose at five years old, he said, “Sis, this nostril closed its doors.””
“Just saw a post on Xiao Hongshu. So there are religious parades in Fujian, right? And some cosplayer went to the parade dressed the same as the statue of their God, and mixed himself into the parade and walked along with them…and this pissed all the Fujian people off.
I feel like this is pretty inappropriate behaviour too. Like if someone goes to a temple to pray to the Buddha, and you’re just standing there, dressed like the Buddha next to him. Like, is he supposed to pray to you too? Either way, it seems disrespectful.
Also, someone pointed out that “The statue got angry!” and posted side-by-side of what the statue usually looks like. I would normally think that was ridiculous, but looking at the photos, it really does look like its expression changed. How mysterious!”
[Left side of pic 2 is how the statue looked at the parade, and right side is how it normally looks.]
Comments say, “Come on! He didn’t just walk along with the parade! He accepted people’s offerings!”
“Aren’t we usually proud of how we’re an atheist nation?”
“Looks like some character from JX Online or something.”
A tiktok video of an extra filming an action scene, being stomped on. OP says, “I can’t believe the film crew was shameless enough to use this kind of video of demeaning extras to promote their movie. The neck and spine area is so fragile that if you screw up a little, you could end up paralysing him for life!”
[The blood on him is all fake, and apparently some got into his eyes and that’s what they’re cleaning off at the end. His ear is also apparently hurt, but I’m pretty sure he’s okay now.]
Comments say, “?? This shot doesn’t need to exist at all T_T The first time I watched, I thought his skull fractured or something.”
“Who stomped on him? Why did they do it so hard?”
“Show us who stomped him! Can he only act when he stomps for real? Isn’t real acting skill when you don’t stomp down for real but make it look that way?”
A compilation of posts of how Chinese people have the urge to save others from prostitution built into their bones:
“There were a ton of people in the cat cafe, but he only liked to cuddle up to me. The owner said that he used to be someone’s pet cat. He wasn’t really meant for this job. At that moment, my desire to bring him home with me reached a peak. Just wait—as soon as I have money, I’m going to come buy you out!”
“I bought my cat from a cat cafe, because no cats would come play with me, and only she took pity on me.”
“I waited for half a year, and bought her when the cat cafe closed.”
“Oh my god. So species really doesn’t matter when it comes to saving others from prostitution?”
“A gambling father, a sick mother, a sister in college, and its own broken life XD”
“He used to be someone’s pet cat. He wasn’t really meant for this job. TT_TT”
“If you never go to a brothel, how would you get the urge to save someone from it? [Doge]”
“I really bought mine from a cat cafe. When he was little, he would just curl up in a corner of the cafe, and I felt so bad for him. I saved up for three months to buy him out.”
“Real life is more persuasive than anything else. Today, my hyper-patriotic dad sat at the dinner table, and listened to my engineer aunt talk about how she only got paid 4 million for her 10 million RMB project, and can’t even pay her workers. It’s the government who owes her money. Listened to my other aunt who got a Xinjiang boyfriend talk about how many people jumped off of buildings in Xinjiang a couple of years back. Even my cousin, who works as a policeman, had nothing good to say. The first line he said when he came in the door was that 29 cops died from overwork this New Year’s Eve. They have to do a night shift ever 5 days, a continuous 24 hours at work. Followed by another 5 days of day shifts. A lot of people die of pure exhaustion like this. And at the end of the month, they just get paid 4000 RMB.
Right now, my hyper-patriotic dad is watching the Spring Festival Gala, and he doesn’t even sound that interested in it. “It’s not that good. Not anything like back when Zhao Benshan was on.” [Famous comedian]”
Comments say, “It’s useless at the end of the day. He’ll think of some ridiculous excuse or another to resolve his cognitive dissonance. He won’t really feel it until he gets fucked over himself.”
“I’d call him a mild patriot at best, honestly. We’ve got a patriot in my dorm who’d just say that it’s local government people who are inept or lazy. If they followed federal policy like they should, society would be so much better.”
“4000 RMB a month for a cop? Who are you kidding? Beat cops don’t make nearly that much in a month!”
A twitter post translated into Chinese, “The more I think about it, the madder I get. People assume that little kids need holidays, so they get summer break and winter breaks and all kinds of days off throughout the year.
And yet, somehow, we’ve all come to the consensus that adults have to work for 50-60 years in a row, with just 2-3 weeks off every year if they’re lucky???
God dammit!”
Comments say, “You’re right. We should take breaks away from kids too.”
“2-3 weeks? Don’t you mean 5 days a year?”
“No, the worst is when adults have to work, and watch their kid, and tutor homework during summer and winter break.”
“My Muslim roommate eats four dumplings every morning, but I’m pretty sure the dumplings at our school are filled with pork? She absolutely loves having them for breakfast, and now I don’t know how to tell her, of it I even should tell her. I’m really worried she’ll have an emotional breakdown or something if she found out she’s been eating pork for a whole year.”
Comments say, “Pork tastes pretty distinctive. I think a Muslim would be able to tell. If she’s willing to eat it, then it must not be a big deal to her.”
“I think she knows. If you bring it up like this, you’ll just make it awkward for her.”
“I had a college classmate who was Muslim, and whenever we go to a class gathering together and get delicious Dongbei twice-cooked pork or something, he’d just explicitly tell everyone to never inform him what he’s eating, and he’d always eat everything on the table. This went on for so long that everyone had kind of forgotten all about his background. But one time, a guy got drunk and ended up asking him how he eats pork as a Muslim, and he completely exploded.”
A compilation of Chinese education:
“My brother used to go to the best high school in our county. Whether he was at school or at home, he was super hardworking and never slacked off. But ever since we sold his dog, he fell into depression. Got caught by his classmate trying to jump off of a building. Turned out, he’d also taken an overdose beforehand, so he had to be taken by ambulance to get his stomach pumped. Now he takes time off of school all the time, transferred out of boarding, and ended up switching schools. His grades never got better again though.”
“”I’m feeding you and clothing you, and this is what you do over a fucking dog?””
““A student tried to jump off of our building.”
“That’s normal.”
“A student withdrew from school.”
“Is he crazy!?””
“Whenever your mom starts losing at an argument: “I’ve raised you for so many years…””
“My dad: Why were you late for class today?
Me: My soccer coach went over time so I didn’t get to class on time.
My dad: Why are you full of excuses?”
“Explaining = talking back. Silence = giving attitude. Not talking = holding a grudge. I’m doing something = disrespectful. Good grades = you cheated. Bad grades = useless. Everything we do is wrong.”
“”It’s finally Saturday.” “Just stop going to school and every day can be Saturday.””
“I would help my family plant the fields on break. When I was in highschool, they were all like, “If you don’t want to spend your life farming, you have to study hard.” Now that I’m in college, they’re like, “You’re a uni student and you don’t know how to farm!?””
“Me: Mom, how do I book a plane ticket?
Mom: How are you so useless? It’s simple. What the hell are you learning at school?
Schools don’t teach this stuff. Phones teach you this stuff.”
“I don’t know why, but I feel guilty every time I spend money T_T”
“”We work so hard for your sake.” What, would you guys not work if you hadn’t had me?”
“Chinese education does work though. I really did consider suicide before I considered withdrawing.”
Seems like no one ever comments but just wanted to say, I love this kind of thing and am happy to find it on Substack. Always felt like there was a lot of bad translation between Chinese and English and that more accurate translation could do much for the world.
Speaking of the southern Chinese… that brain-dead influencer who cosplayed as a deity without actually asking said deity for permission; the comments are… something 😂💀 I know we are naturally superstitious, and a lot of us in Southeast Asia are also influenced by local/Malay folklores to create even scarier fusions, but jaysus