A compilation of stories about India:
“Guys. I’ve actually been to India. My flight transfer got delayed and I was forced to spend a day and a night in an Indian airport, and it was filled with sweaty feet smell. Every single Indian smelled like someone had died in their shoes and then gotten dismembered in their armpits. Me and my friend (both girls) didn’t dare to shut out eyes all night and hid in a circle of guy friends we had. Just as the sky was lightening, I saw an unforgettable scene out of the airport window. A bunch of women went out into the bushes to shit together, like a bunch of fat, black [censored word]. They left as soon as they were done, and a bunch of animals came out of god knows where, cows, donkeys, dogs, chickens, ducks, monkeys, everything you could name, and they all started fighting over the poop, trying to kill each other over a mouthful of shit. It was a picture of hell.”
“It stunk like someone specifically hired a bunch of people to poop there.”
“There are some Indian international students at my school, probably from a pretty high caste too, completely marinaded in perfume. Left a trail of perfume everywhere they walked. And one day, in the cafeteria, when it was quite crowded, I passed by them while standing in line and one of them suddenly raised their arm to wave to a friend, and at that moment, my vision went dark. The smell of that armpit attacked my whole body. I couldn’t even open my eyes as tears burst out and I couldn’t help but gag. I’m not exaggerating at all, I will never forget it for the rest of my life.”
“There’s a long video of some Taiwanese pilot bitching about India, I remember. He was pretty vicious about it too.”
“And this Indian influencer coming to vacation in China. She took a video of the bathroom while passing through Vietnam, and the first thing she did in China was film the bathrooms too. Is she from some primitive tribe? Has she never seen a bathroom before?”
“A coworker of mine has been to India before, and he said, “Don’t believe what you hear on the internet. It’s all made up. In actuality, it’s 100% more disgusting than the internet says.”
“When I was in my twenties, I really liked the legend about the Taj Mahal, that it symbolised eternal love. When I finally went, god, I was wrong. Wasted 30K RMB. It’s right outside a landfill and the river was covered in bags of poop.”
“Supposedly, if you can smell the stink, that means you’re inhaling molecules of poop. If it’s a long time or the concentration is really high, it’s not that different from just eating a spoonful of shit.”
“My uni classmate was an Indian international student, and one time, he got a fever and had a bad stomach, so I went with him to the hospital as his translator. The doctor said he was fine, and he said he was worried about it being Amoebiasis, and the doctor was like, “That’s a pretty rare condition in China. I’ve never seen it in all the years I’ve worked. Maybe it’s more common in India?” XD”
“Thank god our Yarlung Zangbo River is upstream. I can’t even imagine if we were somehow downstream.”
“No wonder all the wilderness survival experts I watch never try to survive in India.”
“There was a time when my mental health was really bad, like I’d get really stuck on things, and my depression went from medium to severe, and I was taking tons of pills every day. And a friend talked to me, “You gotta stay alive. If you gave up on life right now, based on world birth rates, you’ll most likely get reincarnated into India.” That single line was more effective than any anti-depressant.”
“My uncle worked in the leather business and he buys cow hides from India. The first day, he got off the plane, didn’t eat anything, and only drank a bottle of local soda. And from that first day, he threw up and shat himself for four days and came back when he couldn’t take it anymore. The doctors around here say they haven’t seen dysentery that bad around here for at least 20 years.”
“I’ve never been to India, but my coworker’s husband often takes overseas business trips, and India is the only country where he has no transportation budget upper limit. He can take as many taxis as he wants and get business class tickets every time. And he gets warned that even if he’s a grown ass man, he has to travel with a buddy at all times, because young men like him is just as attractive to Indian men.”
“There was a travel blogger who saw an Indian woman with a kid walking along the street, and the kid squatted down and took a shit, and his mom just scraped his butt clean with her hands after he was done and then wiped her hand on a nearby tree, and they just kept walking XD”
“They said that you can lose weight by climbing Mount Tai, and I did it. They said that you can lose weight by going to the Flaming Mountains, and I did. They said that you can lose weight by going to India, and I figured I could live with being fat.”
“My Indian classmate invited me to attend her traditional Indian wedding and I totally agreed to it. Now I’m scared.”
“I hear that Bangladesh is downstream of the Ganges and it’s got the lowest water quality in the world.”
“Why can’t we put an end to hidden cameras in beds and breakfasts?
When you’re peacefully sleeping in a bed and breakfast (or hotel), your privacy might be invaded by audiences around the globe. Lately, a certain bed and breakfast in Shijiazhuang was exposed for hidden cameras, raising the alarm bell yet again. All the cameras they found were currently streaming—how terrifying.
The filmers aren’t doing it just out of their own personal voyeurism fetish. There is a huge and complicated industry behind them. In this industry, the sweet moments between college couples, the alone time of female white-collar workers, the private life of young couples are all heartlessly invaded and exposed on various livestreaming websites for people to watch.
This industry involves hotel operators, equipment suppliers, web platforms, livestreams, and many other steps. For them, the rental income they get from their bed and breakfast is small potatoes. The massive profits that come from livestreaming other people’s private lives is enough to let everyone in this industry live luxurious lives.
Faced with such shameless behaviour, we have to ask, what is the government going to do about this? Can they actually cut off this industry for good and return to us a clean, safe hotel market?
(Pictures are just a recreation to demonstrate how the cameras work.)
Comments say, “Even ignoring the problem of hidden cameras, I’ve always told people if a hotel is available, stay at the hotel! Do not go to a bed and breakfast! They suck in every respect compared to hotels! There’s so many factors you can’t control! If you know, you know!”
“There’s gotta be something up if the bed and breakfast owner’s attitude is this fearless.”
“There’s a plague of livestreams right now, so I’m not surprised so much shady shit is going on.”
Question: What is the sexiest moment in your memory, or the sexiest thing that’s happened to you?
Answer: We were coming back from the bar after a date when we ran into 3 hooligans, asking us for some money. I was young back then and really prideful, refused to give any to them and was prepared for a fight. At first, it was 3 on 1 for me, and I was getting surrounded. And she rushed in and kicked the guy behind me right in the kidney and went, “Don’t worry about your back. You can leave it to me.”
This was basically what it looked like in that moment.
Several days afterwards, my brain was full of “Don’t worry about your back. You can leave it to me.” and how she looked in that moment.
I couldn’t help but propose after a couple of days.”
Comments say, “I got into a fight back in the day when I was out shopping with my wife. The owner was some middle-aged, balding man. Because more and more people were gathering to watch the argument, the owner got frustrated and went to grab the merchandise in my wife’s hands back. We were about 3 metres away from him, and I saw him charge and stepped forward to protect her, when I saw her take a step forward and grab him in a headlock and trip him with her feet and flip him to the ground and put a knee in his back in one fluid motion. I never even had time to react. It’s been 20 years.”
“Why did you marry her? Shouldn’t you have become blood brothers instead?”
“She hired those hooligans, didn’t she?”
Question: Why would nationally-owned businesses lose money? [Almost all of them are monopolies.]
Answer: I used to work at a provincial-level design firm. At our height, we had 1300 employees. Then, due to market reasons, a lot of people quit. Around when we got down to 700 people, problems started cropping out, because 50% of the remaining staff were administrators. It got to the point where every designers was keeping an administrator alive singlehandedly. We couldn’t maintain profit, so the designers continued leaving. By the time I quit, there was less than 500 people left, and each designer had to keep 2 administrators alive. And among the new hires, the designers would all leave after 3-4 years, while all the administrators stayed on. The system got more and more bloated, and now the whole firm is in debt…
Comments say, “But it’s always the administration that’s the safest whenever there are layoffs.”
“I’m a designer who quit too.”
“Because administrators in a nationally-owned company are usually insiders or full employees, while designers and other practical positions are often outside contractors.”
Question: How come Emperors can kill their own children so easily like they’re just strangers?
Answer: There’s a really old simulation game, called Emperor Simulator or something [cannot find a specific English name for it, but it’s called 皇帝养成计划 in Chinese if anyone’s interested]. I played a few times and I turned into an asshole too.
The scariest part about this game is that you’ll unconsciously start acting exactly like historical behaviours. Even without knowing anything beforehand, 90% of the time, you’ll end up making the same choices that they did.
I used to not understand why Liu Bei would say that “women are like clothes and bros are like limbs.” Even if he’s a good Emperor, his wife supported him all his life, right? But after playing, that was exactly how I felt without even realising it. If my trusted advisors got sick, I freak the fuck out. But if my concubines got sick, then whatever. I didn’t feel much at all. Even if that concubine had really great character art, at most, I would just think, “Pity, the hot one died.” And nothing else. I can get plenty more concubines where that came from, but smart, loyal advisors are so fucking rare.
I never used to understand why Emperor Kangxi insisted on making Lan Qier marry off to Mongolia, even though he loved her mother. After playing this game, without even thinking about it, I deliberately married off all my princesses to the most useful people—either officials I was trying to build a relationship with or neighbouring countries I needed friendship with. Fuck off with your fantasies about freedom of marriage. This game really turns you into an asshole. I’ve been calculating who I should marry some princesses off to since the moment they were born.
And this is just me fucking around in the game blindly without any sort of plan at all. I did all of that without really thinking about it.
Because I had to.
I’ve demoted some princes to peasantry in this game. I never cared if my princesses or princes died. Because in this game, I didn’t know those kids at all. I’m an Emperor. So long as I want to, I can get plenty more kids where they came from.
The only kid whose name I could remember was the crown prince.
A couple of days before, a rich relative of mine called me up and said that they and their friends wanted to come play in Nanjing for a few days. When my parents found out, they immediately had my wife take a few days off of work and take everyone in my family except me somewhere out of town, leaving me alone in Nanjing to take care of my relative. I didn’t understand why they all left. In my memory, my parents got along with this relative pretty well.
Never mind. I called up some friends, made plans to pick them up at the train station, where to take them out to eat, booked hotels and all that, and bought tickets for all the most important attractions and even rented them a car to use. Since I couldn’t drink, I even specifically called up some friends who could hold their liquor to come along, to make sure everything went well.
I had my friends drop them off at my house for some tea first. When I got home and saw them, I immediately understood why my parents fled with my wife and kids, because my relative had brought along his second family. His mistress and the son he had with his mistress.
My dad is really good friends with this relative’s wife, so it’d be weird if he showed them around, and it’d be weird if he didn’t, so he just had to leave.
My friends all arrived for dinner, and I was too embarrassed to explain to everyone what was going on, since I’m pretty ashamed that this happened in my family too.
We all had fun, finished eating, and as we were going back, one of my friends asked me, “Hey, the woman with your relative isn’t his wife, right?”
Holy fuck. I asked, “How could you tell?” She’s the same age as his actual wife, and her and her kids never said anything at dinner.
And my friend was like, “Your relative’s sons are so polite that I feel bad for them. They don’t interact with your relative like father and son. It’s more like they’re his employees or something.
For example, your relative told his oldest son to toast us, and we were so engrossed in conversation that nobody noticed him, and he didn’t dare to interrupt. So he just stood there with his glass raised for the longest time and never sat down.
Whatever your relative said at dinner, he’d immediately implement it. Tell him to hurry the food along, and he immediately goes. Tell him to pour some tea, he immediately does it. That’s not normal behaviour for a 10-year-old kid.
Your relative has no patience towards his kid at all. That kid’s eyes were full of fear. He’s so obedient that I feel bad for him, so I’m sure this isn’t his son with his actual wife.”
And my relative is just a rich businessman. He’s far from an actual Emperor. He has three families. He doesn’t have much love for his latter sons anymore.
Quantity can really change quality. An Emperor has countless families. How much love can he really have for his children? You really don’t feel anything anymore once you have enough sons. There’s no familial bonds there anymore. I bet there are kids whose name he can’t even recall.
All Emperors know that their power is the basis of their charisma. If a son became a threat to his power, it’s not as though Emperors have to experience a pregnant in order to have a child. Most of an Emperor’s children are just the product of one-night-stands. So since I have plenty of sons anyways, it doesn’t matter if I kill a few.
“You gotta stay alive. If you gave up on life right now, based on world birth rates, you’ll most likely get reincarnated into India.” That's a hilarious quip. Could be used by suicide prevention hotlines.